Final blog post

In honour of all of those who suffer with depression and Bipolar Disorder and most importantly, Candyce Bruce; I dedicate this final blog.

On Monday the of October 2009, I decided to end my life. Convinced that I was nothing more than worthless; the word which I had carved into my arm with a razor blade, I decided that now was time to end it all. A mountain of pills lay strewn on my bad and as I sobbed at the thought of my seemingly pathetic life, I said goodbye to the ones I loved in my head, telling myself that they would be better off.

Quite a few months before this incident, I had entered Journalism 1 with the hopes that I too would be in the ranks of the great writers of the modern day. A South African Marya Hornbaucher if you will. All Journalism students have these fantasies you know, the standing ovations and the critical acclaim.

One day I met a girl who changed everything. You see, I had been diagnosed with the notorious bipolar disorder a few months earlier and armed with my new label, I was satisfied with the idea that I would be somewhat of a social outcast. But strangely enough, she didn’t seem to care. After months of more laughter and happiness I had ever experienced in my life, I became frightened. For a person that had suffered with depression all their life, I had become accustomed to the idea that I would never be truly happy, and that was ok. But, boys and girls, this was not to be.

One night around April 2009, Candyce and I were walking through the streets of Grahamstown, singing Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra ballads. I stopped, looked up at the stars and started crying. Candyce looked at me and exclaimed: “what’s wrong sweetheart?” Through the tears I whispered: “for the first time in my life- I am truly happy.” I realised that everything that I had gone through, the cutting, the drugs, the fights with my parents, everything… it had led me to Rhodes where I had found the person I truly wanted to be, to discover the people who really meant something in my life and to find true happiness and contentment. I looked up and smiled. “L, is for the way you look at me…” I sang. We continued to walk up past the library and I sang louder and more jovial than I think I had ever done.

But soon after that, the fear started to creep into me. I didn’t think I deserved the happiness, I just didn’t believe it was in the cards for me. So that is how I ended up on my bed, carving words into my arm and planning how to end it all.

But something inside me stopped the craziness. I thought about my amazing parents and how much their lives would be altered if I were to commit suicide. I called the one person in the world I knew that I would want with me at the end- Candyce. But the end was not now. So for the first time in my life, I gave up all my fears and doubts, forgot the past and I learnt to love someone with my whole heart. (Now before you go thinking that our relationship is something out of a Katy Perry song, it’s not. ;) The love between friends is a powerful and totally underrated love.)

So to all of you reading this, I advise you to have hope. Life is never easy. Some of us have depression, some an abusive parent, and others we might just be unhappy with the fact that nothing has ever happened to them. But we are intrepid- we strive on. Love yourself and love others, because life is too short to hold back. So, on that note, I will leave you with this token, courtesy of my all time favourite show. (I’m just not going to tell you what it is, some of you intellectuals might judge me, wink wink.) “Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”